As I sit here, on the eve of only the second child free trip since the birth; I can’t seem to shake this feeling. This hodge podge emotional mixture is full of excitement, anticipation, nervousness, but mostly…..guilt. Not guilt because of anything I’ve done wrong; but mainly due to the fact that no one else, except lil ole me will benefit from this upcoming trip. The money/time/energy spent on this trip has only been spent on me/I/myself.
Flashback almost 6 years ago the a night full of similar emotions–the night that the child was born. Once they placed this perfectly pink human being onto my chest my world was changed forever and that, while incredible, was a terrifying realization. You see, now this child is 100% my/our responsibility. Folks will tell you that your life changes after kids, but truly that went into one ear and out the other. I’d pacify with a smile, nod or chuckle; but when that tiny little human landed onto my chest our worlds were rocked. I had now entered….The Motherhood.
Everything since that day has changed. Changed for the better; changed for the not so better–stretch marks still aren’t my favorite and who really wants to give up their final bite of something delicious to the tiny person staring back up at you with pleading eyes?!? However, once one enters the motherhood, your thoughts are no longer that of putting yourself first, but putting the needs and wants and desires of this tiny human ahead of your own. So, as I currently sit here and put my needs, wants, and desires ahead of hers, I can’t help but feel guilty for it.
Folks have often told me or I’ve heard or read–probably a really credible news source too like In Touch Magazine or something similar–that oh you’ll be a better mommy and wife taking the time for yourself and getting refocused etc. While that’s possibly true in the long-term still doesn’t change the fact that right now….guilt. Surely I’m not alone on this front: the motherhood guilt. Do dads feel the same way or is it strictly mama specific? I mean I’m genuinely asking because, well, I’m not a dad therefore can’t answer that question. Additionally, is this feeling also isolated to just “big stuff” (trips taken etc.) or can this motherhood guilt occur during the day-to-day goings on of the household? When I’ve not been able to attend an event of the child’s because I’ve been working: guilt. Just really sucks this whole guilty feeling situation. Just. Plain. Sucks.
In the states, I had the privilege working within a fitness studio which also hosted (still does–shameless plug happening now: www.fitssentials.com) an evening boot camp entitled ZCamp. So for 3 nights each week over the course of 5 weeks men and women would come in to better their overall health and well-being. During the initial evening we would spend crucial time getting to know each other; but most importantly the driving force as to why these individuals had decided to embark on this journey. More often than not the women would indicate how they had lost themselves somehow along the way by putting their children and families ahead of themselves until one day they looked into the mirror and no longer knew who was in the reflection. Selfishly, I don’t want that to happen to me–true honesty here folks–but at the same time I too am torn with this feeling that the child and the husband’s needs are to come before mine. I am not saying we should return to the age in which women have zero say and “our place” is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen; but I am saying that I struggle in finding the balance of being a subservient (yes I said it) Ephesians 5:22 wife and yet not losing who I am that makes me, me, along the way. How are we to be this nice blend of “powerhouse-I-am-woman-hear-me-roar-I-can-do-it-all AND at the same time subservient wife and mother?!?! Anyone have any insight to this? If you do, help a sister out here.
So, my friend, if you are feeling this way or have felt this way or have felt similarly I guess all I can offer to you right now is the comfort that you’re not alone. Maybe one day we can figure out a way, together, to help each other overcome these emotions brought on by our entering: The Motherhood.
Until next time…